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According to modern economic reckoning, I'm upper class. Traditionally (say what you'd expect anywhere between the 70s and 90s, maybe even up through 2005ish), I'd be middle class. Tough to wrap my mind around that still but whatever. The point is that I'm very well off financially and am in a brilliant position to nearly double my income in the next 6 months.

And I can't tell you how tough it is to find someone to date who isn't all about that income.

And it's not like I say anything about it. It's all those little stupid things people are on the lookout for when dating... like not looking at the total at a grocery store or not sighing when the restaurant bill comes due. Most of my clothes are business casual for work so those are in snappy nice condition because they have to be and even my slop clothes are, by habit, down-grades from business casual. I have almost no clothes that others would call "slop clothes." Everything I have I take good care of so there's no conversations about "My <blah> is in bad condition" or "I need <blah> at some point in my life." Those types of conversations are just completely missing on my end. Or even getting her flowers just because. My roof doesn't leak (though my basement does but in my area, that's extremely common) and I have no horror stories about what's materially wrong in my life... just a few projects to improve the house and property that I've been working on.

When it comes down to it, I want for nothing and have about everything I need. I don't oggle at a store window or drool over things in stores because I either already have it or know where to get it dirt cheap or have recognized that I don't want or need it.

I work in a corporate headquarters office so I need to maintain a business and clean appearance all the time despite being in a field where I could technically get away with looking like a slob if I really wanted to.

If I get asked to share stories about things I've done... well... I've done a lot. Been to a lot of places. I have no end of stories there.

I own my house, I have solar, I have a muscle car for every day driving and a very distinct truck for fun driving (and hauling but whatever). The house has been described to me by others as a "prestige house." It's very nice, very large, and each room is just small enough to be cozy without feeling cramped in any way. It also happens to be the second most expensive house in the entire neighborhood and I've recently had an extensive security system installed.

I am, quite literally, one of the most eligible bachelors in the city I live in.

I can't stand lying about who I am and what I've got to deal with...

So what do?

Is there a dating site for people in my situation? The lower reaches of upper class looking for someone who's not a gold digger or after my property? Or should I just consider online dating and never mention what I do for a living (dead giveaway that I have money) or how much I make?

According to modern economic reckoning, I'm upper class. Traditionally (say what you'd expect anywhere between the 70s and 90s, maybe even up through 2005ish), I'd be middle class. Tough to wrap my mind around that still but whatever. The point is that I'm very well off financially and am in a brilliant position to nearly double my income in the next 6 months. And I can't tell you how tough it is to find someone to date who isn't all about that income. And it's not like I say anything about it. It's all those little stupid things people are on the lookout for when dating... like not looking at the total at a grocery store or not sighing when the restaurant bill comes due. Most of my clothes are business casual for work so those are in snappy nice condition because they have to be and even my slop clothes are, by habit, down-grades from business casual. I have almost no clothes that others would call "slop clothes." Everything I have I take good care of so there's no conversations about "My <blah> is in bad condition" or "I need <blah> at some point in my life." Those types of conversations are just completely missing on my end. Or even getting her flowers just because. My roof doesn't leak (though my basement does but in my area, that's extremely common) and I have no horror stories about what's materially wrong in my life... just a few projects to improve the house and property that I've been working on. When it comes down to it, I want for nothing and have about everything I need. I don't oggle at a store window or drool over things in stores because I either already have it or know where to get it dirt cheap or have recognized that I don't want or need it. I work in a corporate headquarters office so I need to maintain a business and clean appearance all the time despite being in a field where I could technically get away with looking like a slob if I really wanted to. If I get asked to share stories about things I've done... well... I've done a lot. Been to a lot of places. I have no end of stories there. I own my house, I have solar, I have a muscle car for every day driving and a very distinct truck for fun driving (and hauling but whatever). The house has been described to me by others as a "prestige house." It's very nice, very large, and each room is just small enough to be cozy without feeling cramped in any way. It also happens to be the second most expensive house in the entire neighborhood and I've recently had an extensive security system installed. I am, quite literally, one of the most eligible bachelors in the city I live in. I can't stand lying about who I am and what I've got to deal with... So what do? Is there a dating site for people in my situation? The lower reaches of upper class looking for someone who's not a gold digger or after my property? Or should I just consider online dating and never mention what I do for a living (dead giveaway that I have money) or how much I make?

26 comments

[–] Annelise 5 points (+5|-0)

For various reasons, I went out of my way to avoid any meaningful relationship or even date for several years. None of the people I met were ever someone I'd consider spending my life with or even becoming mildly serious about. I actively pushed away and discouraged people from trying to be friendly with me beyond what civil politeness called for.

Eventually I did meet the right man for me. But I didn't know it and continued keeping him at arms length and never encouraged him in the least. We were often together, though, as I helped him recovery from a medical issue and later spent time with him socially. But I was very determined to stay single and independent. Eventually, he just took charge and told me I was his. His timing was impeccable. He is a past master at reading people and knowing their minds better than they do. A week later we were engaged. I met him in October and we were married the following March.

While this isn't quite the same as your situation, not actively looking might be the best way to find someone. You need to hang out where people you'd like to be with gather and avoid singles bars unless that's how you picture your social life afterwards. Just go out and be yourself and have fun. Go skating, take sailing lessons, there are plenty of places to meet people who are more interested in your than you bank account. When that person comes along, I think you'll realize it.

I do understand your apprehension about someone latching on to you because you're affluent. Were anything to happen to my husband, I would find myself in similar circumstances: Unsure about who is being honest and who is being smarmy.

Thanks for the advice.

I'm honestly just happy to sit at home getting things done and meditating when I'm not doing anything. So I'm fine with not actively looking. But I'm also fine with not going anywhere. Catch-22, I suppose.

More than anything, I guess I just want to figure out how to not be obviously better off than most. It was only 10 years ago that I was a few days from being homeless and literally not having a single cent to my name. I guess my fear, maybe?, is how do I figure out the money seekers from the honest ones? Preferably before anything becomes too serious.

[–] Timmy 2 points (+2|-0)

To not look affluent do these things: wear cheaper clothes and shoes, drive a car that's a few years old that didn't sell for more than $30,000 new. When gold-diggers see these thing, they'll dump you quickly. Real women interested in you will accept you as is. Don't tell any of them what your net worth is until you decide to get married. Make sure they didn't do a deep search of your net worth. If you're a local celebrity, you're stuck.

I'm known by a lot of people but have been mostly "out of the loop" for the last 4 years (deliberately). My car is 14 years old but it's been so well cared for that it looks and runs and sounds like it's at most 3 years old (except for the body style). I'm well-known in both tech and art circles in the area but more the art scene.

I guess maybe running to a second-hand or used clothing store is in order for me. Get something a bit worn or oversized or whatever.

Make sure they didn't do a deep search of your net worth

How does one even do that? I mean, sure, maybe check out the property value of my address but how else? You can't hardly find me online even if you know my full name. Every year or so, I do searches on myself and make sure to scrub everything I can. I make sure there's no pictures of me online from when I'm out of the country or traveling. All social media is locked down tight and you can't find me at all.

[–] Annelise 1 points (+1|-0)

The only way is to get out there. Sure, you have enough to dress very well and have nice cars and things. Try jeans/shorts and a nice shirt. I don't know how you feel about jewelry (I go with my wedding band and whatever collar my husband decides on), but don't wear a lot. If you don't look like you're dripping money it will be better for you in the long run.

You could date someone for a long time and never see their home or have them to your home. Finding out if someone is truly honestly interested in you for your own qualities or for what you have or could give them takes time.

The key, I think, is having long acquaintance and letting that progress naturally. A person would need to be a true con artist to consistently keep up a facade of caring for you instead of your money.

I know all to well about being broke. I was in the last three weeks of the fall time as a junior when my money ran out. I had rent for one more month and enough ramen for two weeks. I caught a break and found a better job and managed to keep going with some forbearance by the registrar.

[–] revmoo 3 points (+3|-0)

Hi fellow doing-okay person here with all of the same trappings of (wannabe) wealth as you. My household income is right around $200 and I live in an extremely affordable state which puts my income in a very high percentile. My wife was furious with me the other day when she found out that I had no idea what the price of gas is. I work a cushy office job and have a beautiful antique house in a beautiful area (with a leaking basement!). So I can relate.

You're probably not finding love because you have defects in your personality that you aren't seeing. It sounds like a combination of an inability to value the things that matter most in life and an inability to love yourself. People who are naturally at ease with themselves and their place in life find potential partners coming out of the woodwork. It's magnetism. You bought a "prestige house", what did you choose to fill the rooms with? Did you buy the house as a trophy or out of some desire to tick boxes, or did you have an intent with how you would fill it with loved ones and memories? Your house comments remind me of "nice guys"; they don't treat women nicely to be nice, they do it in a transactional manner. "If I do this then the things I want will happen to me".

"I've got a great job, car, house, why aren't I getting the things life promised me?"

Because it's the person that you've worked to cultivate that matters the most.

Some day you'll be in the ground and none of that shit is going to matter. What matters are the people, and the relationships you build along the way.

Now why are you failing to do that? That gets to my second point, an inability to love yourself. More importantly, you need to be a whole and complete person before you can involve your life with someone else. This means you need to have a development plan for your life that is centered around the values that matter. Getting into a rut working long days at the office and blowing off steam by buying expensive toys is fun but it doesn't cultivate a personality that attracts good partners. This is hard. It's a chicken-and-egg problem. It's best solved by finding things to do with your life that genuinely make you happy to be alive. Get out of your comfort zone and try different shit and do it with a smile on your face and you will be amazed at how your life will transform.

[–] ScorpioGlitch [OP] 0 points (+0|-0) Edited

I bought the house because it was large enough for future plans yet cozy enough to not feel lost in it. I explain these things because there's a difficulty when a potential sees my life setup. That difficulty is that their minds almost always snap to "This dude has money" and so, in the end, you get treated nicely but that eventually wears off because they're not interested in you but only what you can do for them.

That's kind of the point of the whole post. How do you easily hide that success without lying?

If I want women, I have no difficulty finding them. I want to find the right women who don't quickly think about where that success can take them.

And so far, the only answer I have is buy a crap car and make sure they don't see my home, etc. until they're serious. To me, that's a lot of work and subterfuge.

As for personality, I'm pretty laid back. I have almost no buttons for people to push. I don't insult people and treat people the way I want to be treated (which is to say "politely"). I mean, if those are defect, okay I guess.

[–] oddjob 2 points (+2|-0)

That difficulty is that their minds almost always snap to "This dude has money" and so, in the end, you get treated nicely but that eventually wears off because they're not interested in you but only what you can do for them

You are making an assumption about other people. You can't go into any relationship without taking a risk.

I'm making an observation about nearly every woman I've had more than a cursory interaction with in the last 5 years. You can almost see the mind switch tracks, the face changes, the reactions are different. It just kinda makes me sick or depressed, situation depending.

[–] brer 2 points (+2|-0)

Created an account to comment on this thread. Similar-ish situation, but probably significantly different in other respects. I would say go with your gut and use your head. It really depends on what you want out of the situation, what your endgame is. Church might be an option for meeting people less focussed on material wealth, depending on your lifestyle. Just find someone who is happy and content with what they have already, everything else is just a bonus.

Thanks. Not terribly keen on the idea of going to church just to pick someone up... seems terribly dishonest.

[–] Adhdferret 1 points (+1|-0)

Well first of all....don't talk about you. Women want you to hear them and think of them. They are the most contradictory creatures on the planet.

You tell them what they want to hear and do what they don't expect.

Never mention your income, possessions, or status. Just say you are content with where you are in life and are looking for someone to share it with.

It's easy to find one honestly, and perhaps you need to go to another country in order to find one. Personally I can't stand American women....just can't.

Values are lacking within them all. Media and social pressure tells them to do this and that.....be promiscuous, you need that new shit to show your special.

Meh to all that. I got me an Australian woman....same age just a month younger.

Best part is that when she gets pissed the accent gets more noticeable.

She cooks, cleans, maintains the home......and I provide.

Perhaps I got what you consider lucky, but really I was just selective. I knew what I wanted and conveyed it is all.

You seem as if your all tied up with what you think you can offer......don't.

Make sure she can offer you something. It seems to me you would be the one with more anyways.

Just say you are content with where you are in life and are looking for someone to share it with.

I've tried that a few times. You know what they get out of that? Either I'm well-off or have no ambition.

It's easy to find one honestly

I have no trouble finding women. In fact, I usually have to make it plainly clear I'm not interested in (that particular woman). Of course then they get pissy but whatever, not my type if that's how they are.

perhaps you need to go to another country in order to find one

Was hoping to avoid that. Just so much... distance and hoops and bother.

You seem as if your all tied up with what you think you can offer......don't.

No, not really. I want to know what they can offer me. I'm fine with what I have to offer and am not one bit worried about it.

It's just that trying to find someone who's mind doesn't turn to my possessions and income is proving to me that most are just psychotic or money grabbers and it seems like I would have had more luck finding someone 10 years ago when I didn't have anything at all and then them growing into where I am like I had to. They don't appreciate what it takes to be where I am and they just want.

[–] Adhdferret 1 points (+1|-0)

I've tried that a few times. You know what they get out of that? Either I'm well-off or have no ambition.

Seems as if your looking in the wrong circle. One of the almost wife's I met was at a laundry mat. Really down to earth people in there, but I was also in my 20s at the time.

I have no trouble finding women. In fact, I usually have to make it plainly clear I'm not interested in (that particular woman). Of course then they get pissy but whatever, not my type if that's how they are.

Yeah definitely looking in the wrong places where it's obvious they know who you are and what your social standing is.

Was hoping to avoid that. Just so much... distance and hoops and bother.

Take a vacation to Brisbane Australia and unwind.....go to the reef, see another place......who says you need to go there head hunting lol. Damn near everyone that I know that is truly content with their other half wasn't looking at the time they found each other......just how it works. Remember you are not a cut of meat at the supermarket that everyone can look at and decide if they can afford it or not.

like I would have had more luck finding someone 10 years ago

Because you were not looking for one back then.......now your biological clock is ticking louder and just how our bodies work.

[–] ScorpioGlitch [OP] 0 points (+0|-0) Edited

lol, as much as I hate to admit it, maybe the wrong circle is "everyone in this part of the country." I'm really not impressed with anyone local. You know, now that I think about it, every single relationship I've had that has had serious problems and the kind of "attention to money" that I'm talking about has been with a local. Everyone that wasn't local that I had a relationship with, they weren't focused on any of that and we had amicable partings and certainly not any drama.

I'm not even sure how I haven't noticed this before. Buy, yeah, I've gone over the whole list and without exception, it fits what I just said there. Huh. Actually, I believe that's grounds for a puzzled swear word or two... Makes me feel kinda dumb in some ways.

Thanks. That was more helpful than I expected.

[–] Hitchens 0 points (+1|-1)

You send off so many red flags.

I dated someone like you a few times and knew immediately to end things with him. He had the perfect house to start a family in, the upper middle class job, the car... the guy had everything right on paper. Getting a wife was literally just another check box of his. It felt like “insert wife here”.This isn’t the movie “Field of Dreams” if you build it, they will come.

I am, quite literally, one of the most eligible bachelors in the city I live in.

No, no you are not. You are the guy who thinks they have everything a woman would want but you lack substance. Your post is all about monetary things and how to avoid people liking you for your monetary things.

“Look at all my things, you should like me because I have things...but don’t like me because I have things”
dude, that attitude really unattractive and a woman of worth can sniff that out on date number one!

You sound like a 40+ year old self centered guy who’s severely self conscious to the point of paralysis.

The only thing you will find with your mindset is exactly what you’re trying to avoid.

[–] ScorpioGlitch [OP] -1 points (+0|-1) Edited

Your post is all about monetary things and how to avoid people liking you for your monetary things.

So you do have reading comprehension after all. Amazing. You completely miss the point of the post though which is not about people liking me for monetary things. It's about them being honest about it because they try and hide it and then when things start to get serious, they want more and more material and get crazy if they don't get it. And given that you seem to know everything about me, that honesty is something that clearly escapes you.

The rest of your drivel isn't even worth the read. But you go ahead and continue with this idea that you have the world figured out.

But you do you. Go be happy with that.