I think I'm stuck in some kind of alternate reality where the only way out is posting naked pictures of a congresswomen doing bong hits.
You're suffering from the opening stages of an existential crisis.
You've got that all wrong. You take the deeply held breaths while you smoke the joints. Noobs these days, man.
@Scorpio_Glitch says, smoke, then hold your breath.
I hope I haven't sent you off in the wrong direction.
It's feeding directly into your brain. Didn't you watch The Matrix? Of course you didn't! You don't have eyes!