Jokes | Phuks!

1

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

posted by madazzahatter

3

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

posted by madazzahatter

2

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

posted by madazzahatter

2

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

posted by madazzahatter

2

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

posted by madazzahatter

3

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis!"

posted by madazzahatter

3

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

posted by madazzahatter

6

Is it okay I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school or does that make me...

posted by madazzahatter

5

Did you know Thing from the Addams Family wasn't always an actor? He got his start...

posted by madazzahatter

5

An attractive monster is...

posted by madazzahatter

2

I managed to resuscitate a clown the other day and now...

posted by madazzahatter

5

When my wife said she wants to spend our savings on learning to drive a steamroller, I said....

posted by madazzahatter

2

I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine...

posted by madazzahatter

4

I told my wife our next door neighbor died. She asked, “Who? Ray?”

posted by madazzahatter

4

“May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live!” is an Irish toast...

posted by madazzahatter

3

One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it...

posted by madazzahatter

3

I tried making a candlelit dinner but...

posted by madazzahatter

3

When I was young, I was very poor and after years of struggle...

posted by madazzahatter

3

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain due to…

posted by madazzahatter

3

So you’re telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it’s cute, but when I do it…

posted by madazzahatter

3

Cabbie

posted by CountHonorius

4

Carl

posted by CountHonorius

4

Kangaroo

posted by CountHonorius

4

Wife

posted by CountHonorius

3

Boss

posted by CountHonorius

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