Jokes | Phuks!

1

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

posted by madazzahatter

1

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

posted by madazzahatter

3

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

posted by madazzahatter

2

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

posted by madazzahatter

2

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

posted by madazzahatter

1

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

posted by madazzahatter

1

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

posted by madazzahatter

1

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

posted by madazzahatter

1

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

posted by madazzahatter

3

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis!"

posted by madazzahatter

3

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

posted by madazzahatter

2

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

posted by madazzahatter

2

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

posted by madazzahatter

2

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

posted by madazzahatter

6

Is it okay I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school or does that make me...

posted by madazzahatter

5

Did you know Thing from the Addams Family wasn't always an actor? He got his start...

posted by madazzahatter

5

An attractive monster is...

posted by madazzahatter

5

When my wife said she wants to spend our savings on learning to drive a steamroller, I said....

posted by madazzahatter

2

I managed to resuscitate a clown the other day and now...

posted by madazzahatter

4

I told my wife our next door neighbor died. She asked, “Who? Ray?”

posted by madazzahatter

4

“May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live!” is an Irish toast...

posted by madazzahatter

2

I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine...

posted by madazzahatter

3

One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it...

posted by madazzahatter

3

I tried making a candlelit dinner but...

posted by madazzahatter

3

When I was young, I was very poor and after years of struggle...

posted by madazzahatter

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