Nothing he's got he really needs
Twenty-first century schizoid man
It's 2018; using toilet paper drives me crazy. Cleanse, rinse, then dry. All can be done by a machine.
After dealing with machinery my whole life, much of which goes bad in spectacular ways, I think I'd rather not have it near those regions of my body.
Using "wet wipes" after toilet paper works significantly better. Gettting a bidet attachment for your toilet is even better than that.
A) You're not trying to kill the bacteria off your butthole when you wipe. Such an effort is futile.
B) The shit on your hands after consuming some mary guh-wanna is oil-based, unlike the stuff that causes your butt-scents. Consider using some heavy duty degreaser, or something alcohol-based if you're trying to get rid of the dany-dank smell.
Use more toilet paper and you won't "hit a piece."