11

13 comments

When covid got nuts we came up to my moms house with the kids. Its a generational home and cozy as hell. Kind of like a weasley house, fairly large 5 bedroom from the 20s, except the magic is my grandpas crazy carpentry. Theres a bunch of bugs and mice n its generally weird noises at night from random critters. I dont mind, kinda adds to the charm. This one bathroom spider, however, was so damn entitled i felt he was worth a post. This guy would "charge" at my feet when id assume the throne. I'd fling him with my toe nail or just use some tp to place him somewhere else. Before i got too curious, however, this same asshole attempted an arial assault. I went into the bathroom to rinse out a bottle and this mofo came down from the ceiling and missed my nose by half an inch. I smacked him onto the counter there and covered him with the bottle lid. I then attempted to reconcile his insignificance with his actions and spent a few moments deciding on alternative punishments. There were many factors. This wasn't his first transgression, and as a repeated offender there was definitely a pattern beginning to form. Having exhausted all the usual treatments i started to to formulate an unusual circumstances argument. He was of a privileged background, having all that bathroom to himself. His seclusion was repeatedly intruded upon, and to a point of aggravation. However the element of mens rea in this case was very predominant as his actions escalated after repeated punishment. He displayed no remorse as he thrashed and attempted to break free from his temporary isolation. Having seen related situations and their outcomes i felt my hands were tied and sentenced him to swift death by napkin. This decision was made impartially and i derive no pleasure from having to follow such harsh sentencing. As to the methods in which we enforce these matters, perhaps with future social and technological change, we will see different consideration and punishments.

[–] jobes 2 points (+2|-0)

Just hope that when we die that you aren't judged by the spider gods

You know, we do define justice as the will of the strongest. And jurisprudence does apply in nature as everything follows a code. Birds don't eat Monarch butterflies because they'd give the bird gnarly poops for a week. The bird is stronger, but a natural law was developed by his kind regarding that event. Wtf would my excuse be for any of my behavior in a spider court be? Compared to your average joe I'm nice to spiders, and even with the most reasonable and lax spider law I'd probably be deemed a psychopathic monster. Forget spider court tho, if every animal gets judged by their ethos at the pearly gates, i'm pretty sure we'd go extinct on this realm. I find that we are weirdly evil as a species. Alarmingly so.

[–] jobes 2 points (+2|-0)

Wtf would my excuse be for any of my behavior in a spider court be?

Maybe murdering a spider that simply wanted to kiss you.

You do have a point tho. We would have to be judged by another psychopathic species to avoid extinction. Maybe giant squid gods would treat us well.

[–] unruly 1 points (+1|-0)

You have tp?

Ppl came from 2 hours away to buy tp from our grocery store. Ppl here just watched the crazy for the most part. Heck until our head of state ordered businesses to close, it was completely normal here.

[–] PCaut 1 points (+1|-0) Edited

Not only did you invade spider territory and massacre the peace envoy, you even bragged about your crime in public, on the internet. There is no saving you now.

Others have made the same mistake in the past. The dinosaurs, the lobster people, the Fomoraig, the Aztecs, the British. Look what's left of them now.