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I remember the last day I spent with my mother...it was the worst day, and the best day of my life for reasons that will become apparent.

I had captian crunch that morning. I also lost a tooth because the cereal was so hard. My two brothers laughed and we made jokes about it.

I had just had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch as I was watching Voltron. My older brother and I were playing in the living room. We got a little outta hand and I had pinned him down.

I was tapping him in the forehead. He started screaming, and that was when my mother and step father came into the room. She said I was choking him.

Step father pulled me off of him and threw me into the wall. I went into the sheetrock. I could feel the fractured ribs on my sides as I pulled myself to my feet.

I remember the taste of gypsum from the wall. The dust was gritty in my mouth. The taste of pennies in on my tounge from the blood.

I remember the emotions I had and the realization that this wasn't going to end until he killed me. I stared him in his eyes for the last time. He saw it as a challenge from a 5 year old boy that he as a 31 year old man wouldn't back down from.

Immediately I was pulled over his lap and he had taken off his belt. I remember that I didn't fight, or resist. I wanted to die and I was ready as I knew there wasn't a way to stop the pain.

The first hit was from the metal belt buckle. It was a prize from a rodeo months before. He would always wear it as he was so proud. The smell of his chewing tobacco was sweet in the air as the corner of the buckle connected with my spine.

It was what could be described as blinding pain. The world got brighter after each strike that connected with me.

I remember how the first 4 or 5 felt like fire. After that it didn't hurt anymore. I stopped fighting it and let death embrace me. Then the world began to shake.

I got scared because every joint began to hurt.....bad. I didn't understand what was happening. I got scared and fought for life.

I remember waking up in the hospital days later. Unable to walk, or talk. The neighbor found me outside near the fence in seziure. She heard my screams that I still do not remember to this day.

I remember learning to walk again which took almost a year, I wasn't able to speak without slurring until I was a teenager.

These are the stories of my childhood and those of many others.

I remember the last day I spent with my mother...it was the worst day, and the best day of my life for reasons that will become apparent. I had captian crunch that morning. I also lost a tooth because the cereal was so hard. My two brothers laughed and we made jokes about it. I had just had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch as I was watching Voltron. My older brother and I were playing in the living room. We got a little outta hand and I had pinned him down. I was tapping him in the forehead. He started screaming, and that was when my mother and step father came into the room. She said I was choking him. Step father pulled me off of him and threw me into the wall. I went into the sheetrock. I could feel the fractured ribs on my sides as I pulled myself to my feet. I remember the taste of gypsum from the wall. The dust was gritty in my mouth. The taste of pennies in on my tounge from the blood. I remember the emotions I had and the realization that this wasn't going to end until he killed me. I stared him in his eyes for the last time. He saw it as a challenge from a 5 year old boy that he as a 31 year old man wouldn't back down from. Immediately I was pulled over his lap and he had taken off his belt. I remember that I didn't fight, or resist. I wanted to die and I was ready as I knew there wasn't a way to stop the pain. The first hit was from the metal belt buckle. It was a prize from a rodeo months before. He would always wear it as he was so proud. The smell of his chewing tobacco was sweet in the air as the corner of the buckle connected with my spine. It was what could be described as blinding pain. The world got brighter after each strike that connected with me. I remember how the first 4 or 5 felt like fire. After that it didn't hurt anymore. I stopped fighting it and let death embrace me. Then the world began to shake. I got scared because every joint began to hurt.....bad. I didn't understand what was happening. I got scared and fought for life. I remember waking up in the hospital days later. Unable to walk, or talk. The neighbor found me outside near the fence in seziure. She heard my screams that I still do not remember to this day. I remember learning to walk again which took almost a year, I wasn't able to speak without slurring until I was a teenager. These are the stories of my childhood and those of many others.

17 comments

[–] keebyjeeby 7 points (+7|-0)

Jesus, that's a painful memory. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you're using this to help process your healing.

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 9 points (+9|-0)

Yeah I am 39 now. Done what I need to for resolve.

Today my son told the school counselor I was abusing him for grounding him and taking his Xbox offline by placing a code on it.

Spent 4 hours explaining what I went through as a child, and explained in great detail what it is that I went through growing up, and how I would NEVER do that to my son or another person.

Simple thing is that he wanted to try and hurt me for discipline.....after CPS left he tried to talk to me. I told him to get away from me....

I said I am not even mad at you, I am just dissapointed and for that I don't want to even see your face or hear you make a noise.

It is such a slippery slope when dealing with CPS. You can't do a damned thing and anything can be taken out of context. Sorry you had to spend all that time going through it.

I hope you are able to connect with your son, at least in a small way that helps to show him the world a bit better. I don't have kids but I've heard plenty of stories and have a lot of younger family members I look after.

"Abuse" isn't what you did.

Abuse is what you went through in that story you just posted. I've never been beat that bad but I've seen some bad moments. I hope also that you've fully recovered from the physical aspect of it, not just the mental aspect.

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 2 points (+2|-0)

Well I have some life long things that remind me of it such as the cigarette burn on my left arm, the scar on my forehead where I was dragged 50 yards on a bicycle that my hands were zip tied to.

Step dad was teaching me to ride a bike and I knew it was going to end bad......so he zip tied my hands to it and made sure I wouldn't flee.

[–] unruly 1 points (+1|-0)

Hey ferret, I'm touched that you can share this here. A word of caution though, it is understood that people who were abused as children are more likely to abuse their children. It might be worthwhile looking after yourself, maybe get some counseling or have a look at /s/meditation. You can't look after anyone else until you can look after yourself. Hope it all works out well for you.

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 0 points (+0|-0)

Yeah that product of environment shit is just that.....shit.

There is weak people and then there are productive people that won't find reason for their shortcomings....I am the latter. I have worked with my demons, and made my peace with it all.

This isn't directed at you, but more of the so called science. As a general rule people need meaning to find their own existence, and in that lots of fuck ups want to use the bad times of others to justify society.

I have never been to jail, I served 7 years in the Navy and got a general discharge. Pay my bills and recently paid off everything on my credit report. We are moving at the end of the month and with yesterday and today I made sure that all bills here are paid in full as well as all starting the day before we move in.

Granted that it is thought I am the exception to the generalized assumption of normal with the circumstances I grew up with, but I am articulate with thought and my speaking. So really I think I am normal and the others are just worthless.

You make it work, and you never settle.

[–] oddjob 3 points (+3|-0)

Who helped take care of you after that?

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

My biological father. I was in the states custody for almost 2 years after that.

[–] [Deleted] 2 points (+2|-0)

This made my stomach churn. Im so sorry you went through that.

Ive been thinking about what to say since I read this before I left class.

I truly hope your lackofamother got what she deserved.

Im hugging my daughters extra tight tonight.

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

Hey don't feel bad for me. I made it.....pay my bills, raise a kid, have a wife....pretty much the best thing happened that day in all my life.

May sound weird to say it like that, but all of my half brothers are in jail, and she will die alone with nothing.

[–] [Deleted] 1 points (+1|-0)

As she deserves.

Im so happy your life turned around and were able to move past this emotionally, and mentally.

Besides having to pay bills, life can only get better for you!

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

Yeah that dying alone shit still seems harsh. Like her or not she is my mother. I gave her a chance with my son and told her if she touched him in any way that I deemed undesirable I would kill her.

Instead she insulted my wife because Mommy dearest didn't know to have a car seat rear facing and wife called her on it. She wasn't mean or anything just let her know.

Then the cunt went to Facebook to talk shit and I said.

"I am not even mad just dissapointed that I believed people can change, but now I know they will always be full of hate and discontent!".

She had a heart attack that night I was told.

[–] E-werd 2 points (+2|-0)

Fuck dude. I don't even know what to say to that. It took me a little time to understand the first line.

How are those injuries nowadays?

[–] Adhdferret [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

Meh doesn't really phase me.

I am stubborn like you read about and when someone says I can't do something I see it as a challenge to make myself better.

Keep in mind that was the LAST time I was hurt by her or neglected.....not the only time. I can tell you more if you want to read it.

Shit doesn't bother me much anymore, but it does bring awareness to it for others to look for signs.