Essay contest: 500 words or more, tell me why you should have the unmatched honor of massaging my sore feet

Rules:

1. All posts must pin @Polsaker to thank him for his service in providing us this forum.
2. If Jewish, we will allow you to post. If not, you can still post if you are not antisemitic.
3. @GuyIDisagreeWith is to immediately cease angry masturbation when not subervised by Big Daddy @Mattvision
4. Must not wear denim shorts unless your original plumbing necessitates sitting down to pee.
5. Must hate green vegs. Must love spuds!
6. Show respect whether or not someone prefers cabbage or broccoli