greetings brothers and sisters, I bear grim news from an exhaustive investigation that may turn the world on it's head. indeed, it would be a wretched fate if daily life is not thoroughly disrupted after my word is released into your minds. I sense the mounting terror and distress that has come with our recent and unfortunate leaks of intelligence, yes, I speak of our frigid friends, of the chattering charlies, of lower-than-thou tempests. these radicals have struck a chord in the hearts of many, and their numbers grow. indeed, as has become increasingly clear, the cool closeteers are not completely mad. One year ago on this day a team of geniuses placed two clones of yours truly on this planet. their names, Bane and Cable. both underwent accelerated growth. Bane was raised entirely in a refrigerator. Cable on the other hand was raised as you and I, in this tumultuously tepid terrosphere. at 0600 hours today Cable brutally murdered Bane by wedging his head inside the crisper in a rather violent manner. never having seen a refrigerator in his life Cable became trapped within for a period of 12 hours. when we finally rescued him he was unrecognizable. there was an lordly air about him. he would only say one word " c o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o l " . he left, none could stop him, we were frozen in our tracks. we have since learned that he has usurped the Dalai Lamma, and everyone seems to agree he's got a way more chill vibe about him, yo. the results are obvious, we were always meant to live our lives refrigerated. people go bad, rotten, outside the cool caverns. it has been prophesied by the now ex-lamma that in a fortnight the world will burn, and only the refrigerated will survive. join us in the fridge. it is safe, the only way to escape the evil of the world. never leave or you shan't be welcomed back, if you are it will be at the back, forgotten, shamed. this is all to say we need a fridge down here. I don't see any outlets in the cave walls. I demand funding or I'll be forced to lead the largest battalion I can muster back to the surface in search of our most precious resource, cool air all boxed up nice like. we'll rot down here if we don't act quickly, I fear you fools tunnelled us too deep to the core, or maybe a volcano is nearby, either way, I won't allow any more good people to go bad. follow me, and I'll see to it that we are all safely fridgified, forever
k