So I came across this game on Amazon a couple of days ago and pretty much instantly decided I needed it. It had a certain aura of shittiness, and was just bizarre enough for me to order it. There is not a great deal of information about it floating around, as far as I can tell it is a Japanese PS2 game that was translated for a European release, but was not released in the US. I paid £2 for this game with free delivery, so my best guess is they're trying to get rid of these things. When it arrived, it was still in the original sealed packaging, and I've seen some other sealed copies being sold for £15-40.
The box, premise and other things to note before I talk about the actual game
Here is the box. As you can probably guess, it's basically a Godzilla sort of game, but instead of Godzilla it's a giant woman wearing a bikini. One thing to note here is that the age rating for this game is 3+. I find this to be completely astounding considering the content of the game, and apparently it was 12+ in the Japanese release so I have no idea how this was given such a low age rating, but more on that later. The back of the box has the same game description 3 times but in different languages. This is extremely rare to see in a game distributed in the UK as we have our own releases separate to the rest of Europe, so there's a nice red flag right off the bat. I'll let the description from the instruction booklet speak for itself.
Annoyingly, the title screen and the art on the menu makes it look as though the game could be ok. This kind of red/black art aesthetic is also present on a couple of the loading screens in the game, but the actual game is nothing like that. The title screen features the best music you will hear in the game. Whilst this may sound like a compliment, it should be noted that there are only three pieces of music in the entire game. Title screen, mission intro and mission.
Intro and storyline
So the game starts, and you get a sort of intro cutscene. There is no movement or music, it's just a silent slideshow of this weird crab alien that bites her or something. I don't know, it's kind of hard to tell when the cutscenes are less impressive than the ones in Ninja Gaiden. So she thuds, then you get this story screen. Again, it kind of pisses me off that they have this nice comic book-ish aesthetic going on in some of the menu screens, but every other aspect of the game from a design point of view is complete trash.
After that, you get a loadout screen. I haven't got a fucking clue what any of these things do, or how to use them, as I didn't see them anywhere on the HUD. You then get another little [cutscene] before the mission starts, telling you what to do. Finally, you get your briefing....
They weren't lying either. The first mission consists of shooting some kind of ray sensor at her tits for a few minutes. The entire game is pretty much like this, certain poses and animations designed to show off poorly rendered PS2 soft porn. 3+ though remember, 3+. After you've uhh, had a good look, you do another mission in a helicopter where you shoot her with anaesthetic to knock her out, then the army flies her away with some helicopters. Of course, the only natural storyline progression from this point is to have her be abducted by UFOs Those poor "helicoptors".
She is then possessed by an alien acting as a helmet (as a side note, I'm not sure what docile is referring to in this instance), stampedes Tokyo and the final mission involves killing another alien and shrinking her with an antidote. 6 missions total, 4 in a helicopter, 1 in a plane and 1 in a tank.
Gameplay
The gameplay reminds me a lot of a game called Mister Mosquito, a PS2 game I had as a kid that bitterly disappointed me the first time - and every other time - I played it. It's the exact same shit in every mission, although the tank and plane missions have their own unique problems. The helicopter control is horrific, X and triangle control altitude, square and circle control strafing. Your forward and backward movement is controlled by the left stick, which you can also use to turn, but the right stick does nothing. What this means is the camera can only move as you move, resulting in extremely jerky camera movements as the turning is way too sensitive. It is impossible to adjust your aim up or down, you are forced to change your altitude, and the reticle is completely useless for aiming because none of the shit you fire goes anywhere near the centre of it. One annoying turning quirk is that there is a massive deadzone on the stick, so you either don't turn at all or turn ninety degrees. Most projectiles in the game can only be avoided by holding a strafe button without touching any other stick or button.
In the jet mission, the objective is to destroy 50 UFOs and protect the helicopters carrying "Riho". Fuck that, do not go anywhere near the helicopters. Enemies spawn in around you after the first initial ones have loaded in, so just stay away. One problem in all of the missions is extreme lag, but it is worse in this one than any other. There are maybe 100 enemies loaded on the screen at certain points, with projectiles and explosions all over the place, which makes it impossible to figure out what's going on.
The tank mission is my least favourite out of the first 5 levels. It is an autoscroller where you shoot Riho from a highway to slow her down before she reaches Tokyo. It goes on for 5 minutes and all you do is keep spamming shoot and moving left and right to avoid cars (which for some reason, can only be done using the d-pad). What really boils my piss here though is the right stick is actually used to control the tank barrel. IF YOU CAN USE IT HERE, WHY CAN'T I CONTROL THE CAMERA IN THE OTHER MISSIONS WITH IT? The controls are also inverted, with no option to change them.
If you have enough patience to reach the last level, you will be greeted by the alien from level 4, and Riho climbing a building. The objective is to shrink Riho with antidote before she reaches the top and gets abducted, and then destroy the alien. I can not finish this mission. As I mentioned before, the only way to avoid most projectiles is to hold the strafe button and nothing else, but that does not work here. You can avoid his missiles 50% of the time, but one of his other attacks is, to my knowledge, completely unavoidable. If you do somehow manage to get the perfect RNG to be able to finish the last mission, your reward will be some different swimsuits for Riho to wear.
Conclusion
This is the worst PS2 game I've ever played. I've played some shit too, I used to get really cheap games only sold in places that were not game shops from my grandparents. Demolition Girl is a perfect mix of everything that a game should not be. It's very difficult to describe the problems it has, to understand how truly terrible it is, you need to play it.
I have a copy that has only been played once, if anyone is interested.
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