'Twas the Night Before Christmas...
In Sheepshead Bay
The kids was asleep, waitin' for the big day...
The stockin's was hung by the furnace wit care,
In hopes that by mornin'...they would all still be there.
Me and this skank was gettin' ready for bed,
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head
When up on the roof, I heard this big crash...
Thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass...
Went out on the roof and looked up at the sky
And what did I see? This freakin' fat guy.
Wit a red suit and boots that came up to his knees...
In the moonlight... he looked just like Dom DeLuise
He had this big sled, pulled by these reindeer
He called one of them 'Dancer', so I assumed he was queer,
But as he crept off the roof, it became clear to me
That this guy was lookin' to steal my TV
Cos' over his shoulder, he had a big sack
He came down the stairs while I planned my attack
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe...
And smacked him in the head, BADA BING! Wit a pipe.
He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud
I was kinda surprised that I didn't see blood...
Instead, he rolled over, looked me right in the eye...
When I saw who I hit? I near started to cry.
I said 'Hey, yo, Santa, I'm sorry, aright?'
'Not for nuthin'', he said, 'But this just ain't my night'
'I got lost in the Bronx, I ran over some nuns,
Had a near miss by Kennedy...Rudolph's got the runs...
I'm out all freakin' night and I'm bustin' my hump
But I can't continue now, not with this bump!
So do me a favor, and be a real pal,
Take over for me...YOU be Santa Claus, Sal'
I said 'I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part!'
But he told me...Santa Claus? He comes from the heart.
He made me an offer I couldn't refuse:
'Stop at every house...except for the Jews'
I got in the suit, and stepped onto the sleigh,
Wondering why reindeer all smell that way
Took off on my mission, didn't wanna be late,
While Ol' Saint Nick spent the night
Hosin' my date
That night, I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss
And if you don't believe me, then,
'Yo, Jingle dis...'
Since then I been wit him, every year in the cold
Ridin' shotgun wit Santa, cos' he's fat and he's old
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized
So on this Christmas Eve, don't youse be surprised
If you hear a voice say really loud and abrupt:
"Merry Christmas to all!'
Thanks a lot...shut up