I apologize for the rather...serious (?) broccoli post as opposed to the usual silliness.
I used to work at a university in France, and they had a cafeteria that had the best goddam broccoli I've ever had. It was very, very soft, yet at the same time not soggy at all. Maybe it was also very lightly salted, if I'm remembering correctly? It was the best goddam broccoli I ever had. Whenever they served it, I would stack my plate with the stuff.
I just, I want to recreate it, but I'm having a tough time figuring out how they did it.
Your first problem is that you're not using Brussels Sprouts.
Seriously though, have you tried steaming it?