Every now and then, I find myself toying with the ancient inevitability. I keep forgetting how temporary this all is. I am so sick of getting caught up in this world, with all its troubles and woes. I hate that I misplace the fundamental truth : that none of this really matters.
But that is the beauty of it, right? Since nothing matters, that means everything matters.
I keep falling asleep, mentally and spiritually. I find myself succumbing to the dull, monotonous grind of life. When I was a child, even though growing up for me was terrible, I absolutely knew that I should never adopt the mindset that the adults had. All they ever did was talk about money, about bills, and how they would eventually get to a place in their lives where something could be done with all this mess.
I told myself, at thirteen years old, that no matter what I would never fall into their trap. But I did, and I can't escape it. I can't recall exactly when it was that I fell asleep. I just continuously have these moments of enlightenment where I look around me and notice it all. I see how we are all robots, droning on in 8 hour segments. The older I get, the less human I feel. I feel so far divorced from the magical, adventurous child I used to be.
The world held so many opportunities. We were going to run away and never look back, taking the flight to the second star on the right. Now I compartmentalize myself into different modes. I reduce myself to an autonomous working machine. I am simply surviving.
I don't mean for this post to sound like a blackpill, or to be a depressed call for help. I'm just expressing something that haunts me from time to time. Today I was out and about, in a crowded place. There were so many people of all walks of life, but at this exact moment everyone walked the same. Everyone is in such a hurry.
There is always a place to be, somewhere that isn't here, with people that are not present. Everyone is speeding up towards the red light, cutting each other off in traffic just to get one car length ahead. Nobody realizes, in the moment, how temporary it all is.
I stopped in the middle of the crowd. I looked all around me. With as many people that were there, I felt so alone. There wasn't a single human being present in this crowd of a thousand people. All of them were droning on, not realizing the truth.
I can only hold onto these snippets of enlightenment for a few minutes, because eventually something drags me back down. Somebody will notice me standing there, not doing anything but looking around, and call me out.
"Hey, are you alright?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Why are you just standing there?"
I stand here because I know I will die. I know that what I am doing is bullshit, and if only we could all just STOP!
Just stop, please. Stop once and a while and look at those around you. Try to wake them up from their slumber. I think they would appreciate it.
I signed in because of your post. Thank you for sharing such a defining moment for you- for us all, really. For me, it's a beautiful thing when you have such a clarifying moment. It hurts, it's scary- it pretty much sucks...but it's a defining moment when mortality hits you and you realize there is more to this life than just this.
when we are young, we are most assuredly "immortal". "It can't happen to me", "I'm careful, nothing will happen to me"...eventually peels away. Life takes on new meanings, we re-categorize our life and it's priorities. We begin to seek deeper meaning and value in the things and people around us.
Be grateful for your moment of realization. Now find something you love. Paint, sing, go to church or temple. Ride a bike, write poetry...sit by the ocean- fly a kite! Do something that makes your heart sing and do it for you first. Then if you want, offer your joy to the world around you- but don't be surprised if it isn't understood...