I cannot be happy unless I eat more than I should and exercise less than I should.

I'm an obese guy. I know that eating does not make me happy. I'm acutely aware that how I eat makes me unhealthy, and does not make me feel better. I get why you would say that you cannot be happy unless you feel full. But its not happiness your feeling. Its a feeling of satisfaction. They are very different things. I get it man. I really do. But you know the extra food is not making you happy. Its making you feel sluggish. Its making your body ache. Its making your miserable. When you feel miserable, it feels **_good_** to fill your belly with food. Now, I have not joined a gym. I have not gone to a gym. I literally have a gym available to me free, just across the hall. I have never gone in it. But I do enjoy a nice walk. Taking a walk with my family somewhere. Just checking shit out. Thats all I need. Thats the minimum amount of exercise I need to lose weight. If I combine it with controlling proportions of what I eat. I've done a diet before. I limited how much I eat, and combined it with some walking. Lost 70lbs. Then for whatever reason, it spiraled out of control. I gained it all back. A constant struggle. Even after being on the diet for 6 months. Lost control again. I get it man. But you don't feel happy when your full. You feel satisfied. You gave into that addiction. You sedated that addiction for a few hours until you no longer feel full. But food no longer has the same taste as it use to. Your simply chasing that feeling of full. You feel satisfied with it because it fills your intense cravings. But it does not make you happy. I get why you chose the word **_happy_** . I really do. But thats not what your feeling. Your feeling satisfied. Thats not the same. I would be more happy if I could play longer with my kid. I would be happier if I could go out longer with my family. I would be happier if I knew I would live long enough to see my daughter graduate. Get married. Have kids. That would make me happy. Right now, I'm acutely aware that I'm shorting my life. I'm painfully aware that I'm solely responsible for my current condition. Thing is, if I could go cold turkey. This would be easier for me. If I could just stop eating and live without food. I could shake this a lot easier. I've quit smoking no problem. I just went cold turkey. But how the hell am I suppose to do that when I need food to survive? I'm simply eating too much. I'm currently back on a diet. After that last failed diet where I lost 70lbs only to gain it all back. Fucking hell. I gained all that fucking weight back. I erased all my progress. That fucking sucks man. I get it. This shit sucks. Because its like you have to quit smoking. But you need to smoke 3 times a day to survive and be healthy. Anymore then that and your killing yourself again. Its so hard. Don't focus on the exercise. Focus on trying to eat the proper amounts. Literally don't give a fuck what your eating. Just eat less of it. It will suck so fucking much. It's not easy. Its not going to be fun. I'm sitting here, typing this out. Thinking about the giant bowl of homemade chips sitting on the table behind me. But I had dinner. I put the amount I thought was enough on my plate. I committed to that. I will not eat more. I will distract myself with TV/games to not think about food. But I will think about food. Its going to always be on my mind. I'm addicted. Its frustrating. I fucking get it man. But its not making you happy. Eating so much is not making you happy. Its making you satisfied. Not happy. You do not feel well. You know it. I know it. We are not healthy. We do not feel well. We feel pain. It aches when we are awake. Its hard to get comfortable. We use food to satisfy our cravings. Our mother fucking **_needs_** . But we know we do not need this food. We just love it. But its an abusive love. We love whats killing us. If I continue this way, I won't see my daughter get married. Maybe I will, but I won't see much of my grandchildren. I won't see the life my daughter creates for herself. I'm already restricted. I can't spend a ton of time playing in her room, because my body aches. It kills me because I know its my fault. I know that it's because I cannot shake this fucking addiction. I would have such an easier time going cold turkey. But how are you suppose to do that when you need to eat to survive. People don't understand. They figure, stop eating when your full. Motherfucker, I've been fat for a long time. If I eat till I'm full, I'm eating **_WAY_** more then I should be. That is not something I can use as a guide. If I'm to stop over eating, I need to stop when I'm still hungry. I need to ignore my bodies natural reaction telling me that I'm starving. I need to ignore my body telling me that I will fucking die if I dont eat more. I need to out think it. I need to rationalize it. I'm currently too sore to use this method currently. But here is what I did when I last dieted and lost 70lbs. Whenever I had a craving to eat more, and I fucking knew I did not need more. I would lift some dumb-bells. I would lift them till my arms were burning. I couldn't lift them anymore. I took that craving and I turned it into a burning pain in my arms. Lifting distracted me from the cravings. The burning in my arms reminded me to not eat. Anytime my cravings overwhelmed me I grabbed thoughs fucking weights and I would lift them till I fucking hated my life. Because you know what? I deserve it. I deserve to feel pain for willingly getting myself to this point. I deserve punishment for allowing myself to take so many years off my life. I deserve this pain in my arms for the pain I've put on my entire body. Buddy. I fucking get it. But food is not making you happy. Its making you feel satisfied. They are very different things. I just hope you don't lose sight of that. I hope you can keep understanding that how we are living is terrible for us. How we are living is not happiness or joy. We are simply fulfilling an addition. We are filling that craving that an addict has. It's in our head. It's something we need to overcome. Don't focus on what it takes to get to the end. Just focus on the day. Focus on the time between meals. Eat what you assume is the right amount for a normal person. You WILL NOT FEEL full. But it will get easier. Your stomach will adjust. Eventually, you are going to find you get full when you eat. Your still eating 4 times less then you did. But all of a sudden. Your fucking full. Then in between meals. You distract yourself. Can't distract yourself? Punish yourself. With weightlifting. Fucking do that shit in a god damn rage. A rage stemming from the fact that you cannot stop eating. Regardless of the fact you know you are killing yourself. Regardless of the fact that you know your in pain because of it. Its fucking retarded! We know this. We are fully fucking aware that we are responsible for making ourselves miserable. So either distract. Or punish. Whatever works for you. But don't turn to food. Because motherfucker. Your going to want to fill that void. Your going to want to walk up to that giant bowl of homemade chips sitting behind you and just chowing down while you watch the hockey game. But fuck that bullshit. Do something else. Despite what your mind is telling you. Your not starving. You had enough. Even if you didn't have enough, you got enough fucking extra weight, that your body will be fine. I get it man. I really do. I'm constantly fighting this shit. I'm about 3 weeks into my diet again. I want to lose that weight again. I want to lose that 70lbs again. And then more. I want to be healthy again. I don't want to always hurt. I don't want to feel this way. Food is not making you happy. Its making you feel satisfied. But your not satisfied like this. We both know this man. Don't just give in. Sounds like your having a shitty day. But don't give in. Take some time to think it through before you just give up and claim "fat guy for life". Its a short shitty life. I'm where you are my friend. But its nothing I could ever describe as happiness.