School shootings are a good thing

posted by Mattvision on HorribleOpinions

So think about this: When a fish is being hunted by a species of bird, what does it do? It evolves so that the bird cannot catch it. Maybe it can swim faster, or maybe it blends in more to the environment, or perhaps its skin becomes impenetrable to the bird's talons. This is called 'natural selection', and it's how all species have evolved into what they are today!

Simply put, killing things makes them stronger. So, nature has actually provided us a loophole that will solve the mass shooting problem!

You see, when some crazy dude walks into a school, full of children who have not yet reproduced, and goes around shooting the kids, he's actually culling those in our population who have failed to evolve for such a threat. And yes, it's tragic and sad and all that, but eventually it's gonna pay off. Because one of these days, there will be a school shooting with one particular survivor. Someone who survived, not because they hid well or didn't show up, but because they were genetically superior to the dude with the gun. Perhaps they were naturally bulletproof. Or maybe, unlike all the other kids, they could outrun the bullets!

Kinda like the X-men, but in real life! Wouldn't that be cool?! Pew pew! X-men! Pew pew!

And when we find someone like that, we just have to make them have 100 kids so that their genes spread. And then we make all those kids have 100 kids. And so on and so forth, until everyone in the human gene pool is invulnerable to getting shot. And then, finally, school shootings, or even mass shootings in general, will no longer be a problem!

So if anything, we need more school shootings. Because you never know, any one of those kids out there could be the one that changes everything!

I used to be like you. Every time I heard of one of these mass shootings happening, it was heartbreaking. And yes, mass shootings, in general, are still and always have been a bad thing. However, *school* shootings, in the long run, might have a positive side effect that we haven't yet considered. So think about this: When a fish is being hunted by a species of bird, what does it do? It evolves so that the bird cannot catch it. Maybe it can swim faster, or maybe it blends in more to the environment, or perhaps its skin becomes impenetrable to the bird's talons. This is called 'natural selection', and it's how all species have evolved into what they are today! Simply put, killing things makes them stronger. So, nature has actually provided us a loophole that will solve the mass shooting problem! You see, when some crazy dude walks into a school, full of children who have not yet reproduced, and goes around shooting the kids, he's actually culling those in our population who have failed to evolve for such a threat. And yes, it's tragic and sad and all that, but eventually it's gonna pay off. Because one of these days, there will be a school shooting with one particular survivor. Someone who survived, not because they hid well or didn't show up, but because they were genetically superior to the dude with the gun. Perhaps they were naturally bulletproof. Or maybe, unlike all the other kids, they could outrun the bullets! Kinda like the X-men, but in real life! Wouldn't that be cool?! Pew pew! X-men! Pew pew! And when we find someone like that, we just have to make them have 100 kids so that their genes spread. And then we make all those kids have 100 kids. And so on and so forth, until everyone in the human gene pool is invulnerable to getting shot. And then, finally, school shootings, or even mass shootings in general, will no longer be a problem! So if anything, we need more school shootings. Because you never know, any one of those kids out there could be the one that changes everything!

3 comments

[–] E-werd 2 points (+2|-0)

Edited

What would this mean for conventional war? And why hasn’t that evolved us?

[–] Mattvision [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

War hasn't evolved us because war is fought by generations who have already gone on to spread their inferior genes. There might have been a few magnificent people before, but none of them had 100 kids, and therefore cannot dominate the new population, as is necessary.

School shootings are a good thing

3 comments

/s/HorribleOpinions