Many people experience their first sexual encounter in high school with their girlfriend, boyfriend, perhaps they wait until they're older, maybe until they're married. I'm quite different however. My first sexual encounter was with a little boy and his Sega Genesis. I was the little boy.
The first time I saw Sonic dashing through the emerald Hill zone, I was flabbergasted, I was in absolute awe at the sheer power of this man. (And yes, he is a man). My seven year old gym shorts were pulled so goddamn tight at the force of my mini erection, and I couldn't contain myself. That's right, I inserted myself into the cartridge slot of the Sega Genesis, just so I could be closer to sonic.
But I digress, that's not the point of this video. Fast forward 13 years I'm now 20 years old. I've already graduated 4 times from Harvard University with multiple degrees in math, physics and engineering. And all the while I've spent the last decade researching on how I personally, can become closer with Sonic. And just a few days ago there was a poster released to tease a live action Sonic the Hedgehog movie.
Words cannot describe the blood pressure in my nether regions. My penis has a gravitational pull right now. This water bottle has been stuck to me for well over an hour and after much excitement (And extensive research) I do believe that I have found a have found a way that I can be with Sonic the Hedgehog, and additionally it won't even be gay.
Many will try to argue that Sonic the Hedgehog is just a fictional character so you can't necessarily fuck him. I call bullshit on that. Did you not listen to me when I said that the Sonic poster was for a live action movie.”Live action” that means Sonic will be real for a movie.
And don't give me any of that “Oh it's just CGI” bullshit because “Live action” means real. It's not CGI. It is fucking CGI movie magic. That is not a euphemism for “Fancy computer editing”. That means that Harvey Weinstein is a fucking wizard.
And a sexual predator But within the coming months we will see footage of Sonic the Hedgehog, real Sonic the Hedgehog. And while I can't pinpoint his location; he won't click on any of the IP grabbers that I sent him on Twitter. He's playing hard to get is what he's doing. I will get to see him at some point. So I must find a way that I can be with him and have it not be gay that leads me to my next point.
In Sonic Adventure 1 for the Dreamcast and GameCube Sonic acquires the Lightspeed Shoes. These allow him to perform the Lightspeed Dash-which is truly lightspeed or beyond. Given it's been 20 years since sonic has acquired those shoes we can only assume that he has increased his skill level to be able to sustain light speed travel or perhaps even beyond that.
I found out that this information was confirmed by the Guinness book of World Records thanks to this post on comic book forums by Kal-el52. So now I know for certain that Sonic travels at least the speed of light which we know is 299,792,458 m/s. Scientifically: that is fast as fuck, Boi. Incidentally, this speed is also the speed of gay. Because homosexuality is a societal concept based on perception of one by another, it is capped out at the speed of perception by one which is based entirely on eyesight because you can't know if someone's gay until you see him kiss a man on the lips. Which in some cases, isn't gay.
Given that, it is true that if I were to straddle Sonic the Hedgehog like a little schoolgirl on her daddy's back, and he were to start running at lightspeed and then beyond, the image that you would see would be a still frame of me just hanging out with my homie Sonic. According to bald science man on YouTube he did and entire video, and if something travels at the speed of light, light simply fades away until you see nothing.
So you wouldn't see me with Sonic doing gay stuff, you would just see two homies chilling out running at lightspeed and beyond. And then once we achieve lightspeed travel (And this is true) let him fuck me. And no-one will see it because you cannot see something that is faster than light and it will not be gay. And I will be epic. Thank you.
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