A new study shows an animal's lifespan is written in the DNA. For humans, it's 38 years

Well shit, my days are numbered now. What should I do with my last few years?

According to this study, I've been dead for the last 34 years, but as you can see, I'm being very obstinate and stubborn about it. Like Keith Richards, who clearly has been dead for some time, but refuses to admit it.