Pirates suck. Elephants suck. Turkeys suck. Otters semi-suck. Sharks suck.
All animals suck when compared with the heavenly, Duckbill Platypus. He's just straight out badass. So badass in fact, that he looks completely retarded, but doesn't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, and goes out of his way to continue his business.
This attitude in turn just makes his outright retardedness turn all the way around and look badass. That's badass.
You see kids, when God made the Platypus he decided that a regular animal body wouldn't fit, just because the Platypus was cool like that. To make a suitable body for the badass that would ensue, he mixed random animals together in his animal mixing bowl to make the Platypus.
Just take a look:
-It lays eggs like a bird or a reptile. (This makes it a monotreme(?) mammal.)
-The males have poison like a snake in spurs on their hind legs. The poison can kill a dog and cause extreme pain in people.
-They have a bill like a duck.
-They have a tail like a beaver.
-They have webbed feet like a duck.
Damn.. What I wouldn't give to be a Platypus. Not only can he lay eggs, but if you even touched the zygotes, he'd Kung Fu, Chuck Norris your ass, all the while making sure the poison located on his legs got injected into your bloodstream via his Round House Kicks.
He may look like a total tool, but I'm sure that's just to lure victims into touching his eggs just so he can kill them with his lethal poison-holding spurs.
Another piece of evidence showing how particularly badass the Platypus is, is where he lives, and is located. Australia, and Tasmania.
Now, the real reason he lives in those two quarantined places is only because all the other animals got scared of the badass Platypus and exiled him, that way the fucker couldn't kill them in their sleep. I'm pretty sure he scared all the animals in Australia and Tasmania too, and thats why both places are mostly desert and badlands, because nothing wants to live near him.
To boot, the Platypus can swim better then humans, which is why it makes people the source of its main intake of protein and vitamins. Needless to say, when Platypuses take over the world, we're all screwed, and when we die, the Platypus will also die because the main source of food will be gone.
B-A-D-A-S-S
And finally..
Anyone who decides to make a joke about a Platypus: "Platypussy!" "Shove those eggs back up your ass!" "LOLOLOLOL!!1!! PLATYPUSSES SUCK!!@!1!"
Expect to have your newborn child brutally shoved back into your vagina, then cut out of your body through your stomach, and finally raped, and hung with its own umbillical cord.
Your own fate will not be discussed here.
You left out the part where they secrete milk through their skin because they don't have nipples.
I wonder if one would like to live in my bathtub.