9

In my years on this planet, I've discovered a few things. One of those things is that I get a better response from people if I say "could" as opposed to "should."

In other words, I get better reception from people when I say, "You could change your understanding of the topic." People seem to shut down when I say, "You should ..."

So, it's been beneficial to me to change my manner of speech and you could benefit from doing the same thing - if you desire. It's a pretty easy habit to break, in my experience.

But, I'm going to break that convention and say that I like snowshoes - and you should also like snowshoes.

If you come to my house in the winter, I'm probably gonna try to get you onto a pair of snowshoes. I have quite a few varieties and I have them in a number of sizes.

Yes, snowshoes are rated for the size of the person who will be wearing them. Heavier people need different snowshoes and lighter people can get smaller shoes. Not to worry, I have 'em in a bunch of sizes!

Why? What kind of right-minded person wants to wear snowshoes?!?

Well, the obvious benefit is that you can walk atop the snow with great ease.

Hogwash!!!

The real benefit is that you're quiet. You're able to be so quiet that furry woodland critters don't notice you - until it's much too late.

Still not seeing the benefit?

You can sneak up on a furry woodland critter and say, "Boo!"

There's not much funnier than a young deer that has just been jumped by someone saying "Boo!"

They will leap straight up into the air, sometimes turn around mid-air, and bolt off in whatever direction their akimbo feet take 'em.

On a good day, that deer will smash headlong into a tree.

Rabbits? Oh, they'll sometimes do a somersault - right there! There will be a giant puff of snow, flying into the air, and ol' Mr. Rabbit freaks the hell out.

Moose? They're already ungainly as all hell. They're also huge - so stand behind a tree when you scare a moose. They don't actually appear to know how to control their bodies and will just smash off in any suitable direction. Having observed many moose, I'm not actually sure how they've not yet gone extinct. I'm pretty sure they're Nature's way of having a laugh at us.

But, my point is that there's not much funnier than scaring the ever living hell out of a furry woodland critter - and you can do this when you're on snowshoes.

Deer? Oh, they're funnier than hell. Deer are incredibly curious.

If you scare a deer, it'll then make a loop of about 1 mile and come back to see what the hell it was that scared it.

If you do it just right, you can scare that same deer two or three times before it gets dark.

Is this mean?

Nope...

Those bastards started it. Every single one of 'em regularly tries to kill people by leaping into the road and trying to make you swerve.

I can accept that. I'm okay with that.

It's that the dirty rotten bastards steal from my garden. Build a fence, they told me!

No...

Deer go over a fence. Rabbits go under the fence. Moose just stomp right straight through the fence. Once, I had a deer stuck in my garden. It jumped in there. It refused to jump out.

They then eat my food. It's my food. I know, 'cause I planted it there.

They have their own food. It's not like they don't have plenty of room - I'm pretty damned rural. There's very little pressure put on the furry woodland critter populations in my neighborhood.

They don't actually have to steal from my garden. They have tens of thousands of acres, acres that are right full of furry woodland critter food.

By the way, rabbits don't actually eat carrots. No, rabbits eat carrot greens, thereby denying you the chance to eat delicious carrots. There's no way to actually stop them, so the only solution is to grow a bigger garden. Trust me, I've tried everything. The only logical solution is to plant enough food so that I still have some to harvest after the critters have stolen their share. I'd estimate that 25 to 30% of what I plant gets stolen by animals.

They're just immoral garden stealers. It's what they do.

So, in my way of getting something out of the deal, I use them for my amusement.

They're most amusing when they're smashing into trees in a panicked fit. This is best accomplished while wearing snowshoes.

If you've never seen a deer completely shocked, surprised to the point where it's bound to do almost anything, you've never seen the funniest thing on the planet.

Which is why everyone should own snowshoes.

In my years on this planet, I've discovered a few things. One of those things is that I get a better response from people if I say "could" as opposed to "should." In other words, I get better reception from people when I say, "You could change your understanding of the topic." People seem to shut down when I say, "You should ..." So, it's been beneficial to me to change my manner of speech and you could benefit from doing the same thing - if you desire. It's a pretty easy habit to break, in my experience. But, I'm going to break that convention and say that I like snowshoes - and you should also like snowshoes. If you come to my house in the winter, I'm probably gonna try to get you onto a pair of snowshoes. I have quite a few varieties and I have them in a number of sizes. Yes, snowshoes are rated for the size of the person who will be wearing them. Heavier people need different snowshoes and lighter people can get smaller shoes. Not to worry, I have 'em in a bunch of sizes! Why? What kind of right-minded person wants to wear snowshoes?!? Well, the obvious benefit is that you can walk atop the snow with great ease. Hogwash!!! The real benefit is that you're quiet. You're able to be so quiet that furry woodland critters don't notice you - until it's much too late. Still not seeing the benefit? You can sneak up on a furry woodland critter and say, "Boo!" There's not much funnier than a young deer that has just been jumped by someone saying "Boo!" They will leap straight up into the air, sometimes turn around mid-air, and bolt off in whatever direction their akimbo feet take 'em. On a good day, that deer will smash headlong into a tree. Rabbits? Oh, they'll sometimes do a somersault - right there! There will be a giant puff of snow, flying into the air, and ol' Mr. Rabbit freaks the hell out. Moose? They're already ungainly as all hell. They're also huge - so stand behind a tree when you scare a moose. They don't actually appear to know how to control their bodies and will just smash off in any suitable direction. Having observed many moose, I'm not actually sure how they've not yet gone extinct. I'm pretty sure they're Nature's way of having a laugh at us. But, my point is that there's not much funnier than scaring the ever living hell out of a furry woodland critter - and you can do this when you're on snowshoes. Deer? Oh, they're funnier than hell. Deer are incredibly curious. If you scare a deer, it'll then make a loop of about 1 mile and come back to see what the hell it was that scared it. If you do it just right, you can scare that same deer two or three times before it gets dark. Is this mean? Nope... Those bastards started it. Every single one of 'em regularly tries to kill people by leaping into the road and trying to make you swerve. I can accept that. I'm okay with that. It's that the dirty rotten bastards steal from my garden. Build a fence, they told me! No... Deer go over a fence. Rabbits go under the fence. Moose just stomp right straight through the fence. Once, I had a deer stuck in my garden. It jumped in there. It refused to jump out. They then eat my food. It's my food. I know, 'cause I planted it there. They have their own food. It's not like they don't have plenty of room - I'm pretty damned rural. There's very little pressure put on the furry woodland critter populations in my neighborhood. They don't actually have to steal from my garden. They have tens of thousands of acres, acres that are right full of furry woodland critter food. By the way, rabbits don't actually eat carrots. No, rabbits eat carrot greens, thereby denying you the chance to eat delicious carrots. There's no way to actually stop them, so the only solution is to grow a bigger garden. Trust me, I've tried everything. The only logical solution is to plant enough food so that I still have some to harvest after the critters have stolen their share. I'd estimate that 25 to 30% of what I plant gets stolen by animals. They're just immoral garden stealers. It's what they do. So, in my way of getting something out of the deal, I use them for my amusement. They're most amusing when they're smashing into trees in a panicked fit. This is best accomplished while wearing snowshoes. If you've never seen a deer completely shocked, surprised to the point where it's bound to do almost anything, you've never seen the funniest thing on the planet. Which is why everyone should own snowshoes.

12 comments

[–] xyzzy 2 points (+2|-0)

LOL. Also, you're a terrible person.

[–] TheBuddha [OP] 1 points (+1|-0) Edited

You say that - until you try it!

I've stomped all over this planet - and I'm pretty sure it's the funniest thing on the planet, ever. On a good day, Mr. Rabbit will do 1.5 somersaults and land on his back, have a bit of a panic attack, and roll around like he's an epileptic.

This is the price Mr. Rabbit pays for stealing from my garden. I'll stop when he stops.

[–] xyzzy 1 points (+1|-0)

Ok, I'll let it pass for Mr. Rabbit. But you don't have any excuse for sneaking up and scaring innocent deer and other critters.

Sure it might be fun, but really?

[–] TheBuddha [OP] 0 points (+0|-0)

Damned right, really. Those bastards steal from my garden.

Other people go out and look at 'em when they're on their lawn. I go out and yell at them. They're jerks who steal my food.

I eat them, which is much worse than scaring them.

Moose, on the other hand, are like domesticated cows - except you can't fence them in legally. I'm not actually sure how they're not extinct? They're one of the dumbest animals I've ever seen.

In their defense, they are kind of cute. They've got giant legs and antlers. They just crash through anything that gets in their way. They are not bright animals, but it seems to work for 'em.

Baby moose are funny enough that you don't actually have to scare 'em. Sure, they get up and start walking right after being born - but it takes 'em years to master it and they never really get good at it. When they run, it's like an exercise in defying physics.

One young moose was known for stealing laundry off clothes lines. I'm half convinced he just wanted to wear fancy colored clothing on his antlers - 'cause that's effectively what he did. Dunno what he did with the clothing, but it's assumed to be the same moose that'd even meander into the village and steal more laundry. He did this for several years but he has now gone missing.

[–] OeeThaGreat 1 points (+1|-0)

Have you thought about shooting the garden invaders and pairing them with the vegetables they attempted to steal?

[–] TheBuddha [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

I am only allowed to shoot and eat so many of them - and there are more. Depleting their ranks is nearly impossible, within the current regulations.

I sometimes call their garden stealing ways my way of fattening up my real food.

The other respondent may have a point. I am pretty terrible!

[–] jobes 0 points (+0|-0)

You have far larger balls than I do if you go out to spook a moose for fun. That's a surefire way to get killed.

Also, buy like 3 dollars worth of chicken wire at your local hardware store and your carrots will be safe then. My rabbits used to destroy my garden, but a little wall saved it all

[–] TheBuddha [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

You really think I didn't try chicken wire? 1' underground and 7' over it. I don't think it stopped even a single rabbit. It might have slowed a few down - until a moose just walked through it.

And, yeah... Moose are huge. Hide behind a tree before saying boo. Well make sure there's a tree between you and it. They're funnier than hell when they get their legs going in all different directions. I'm kind of amazed they move. Weird critters, really. They're bizarre animals.

[–] jobes 1 points (+1|-0)

It might have slowed a few down - until a moose just walked through it.

It worked well enough for me, but I didn't have moose where I had my garden. The deer just went and destroyed everything else after I put up the fence

[–] TheBuddha [OP] 1 points (+1|-0)

My solution was to grow a bigger garden. It didn't turn into a war of escalation, like I'd expected.

[–] jobes 1 points (+1|-0)

If you're worried about them burrowing under the fence, just sprinkle your weeds around the border. It'll either distract or discourage them.