Nuke the whales

In case you didn't know, all whales are evil, and should be nuked. I know you've heard all those Goddamn hippies: "Oooh, the whales should be saved, and look at me, I wear sandals and live in a guitar case, oooohh!" They'll put up a good fight, so if this effort fails we should at least get the whales off the regular endangered species list and onto the List of Dangerously Endangered Species Lists For Seagoing Mammals That Should Be Attacked Via Nuclear Strike Lists. Oh, and we should nuke the dolphins, too. First of all, what have the whales ever done for us? Has a whale ever saved you from anything bad? Have you ever come home after a hard day's work to find that a whale has made you dinner? No, never. We should also nuke the whales because they are plotting against us in a handful of sinister ways. For starters, they eat sailors, and sometimes even real people, too. Remember that Jonah guy? They also eat boats. Not those really small, dingy boats either. For example, you know the Titanic? It didn't sink because it hit an iceberg. Come on, icebergs between the UK and the US? What am I, retarded? The only logical explanation would be the whales eating it. The whales are also drinking all our water. Oh sure, it's just a minor drought right now, but one day you will go to the beach and there will be a sign saying "Sorry, no water." It will happen. Lastly, those damn sea-mammals are eating all of our fish. The fish were put in the sea by Jesus for humans to eat, not whales. Don't believe me, ask Him. Jesus, I mean. Ask Jesus about it. It being the fish. They're for humans. The fish, I mean, not the whales or Jesus. Seriously, just ask Him. If whales are so great, how come they haven't learned to breathe underwater like all the other fish in the sea, huh? They've had 40 million years to do it! This shows that whales are either "slow," or pure evil. Many people think whales are cute, but they are not. Whales are fat and ugly, taking up valuable ocean space with their fat, blubbery asses. Sure, whales can be all pretty when they jump out of the water, but can they build a giant underwater network of plasmatunnels, quasiholes, and quantum reactors? I think not. The truth is this: the whales are drinking all of our water and eating all of our sailors. Are you just gonna stand there and take that from them?!